When we are dating there seems to be so much room for mistakes. We look over so many things and forgive each others flaws. We don’t charge each other for all the little things nor do we hold back on our affections to the point that it is just mean and selfish. How is it that when we get married, that one or both of us secretly own a vault that we use to lock out our love and affection from our spouse?

You used to talk, laugh and play. Now, you are keeping secrets and your conversational interaction is down to a minimum and sometimes silence. What happened? This is the same person you promised to love, honor, and cherish for the rest of your life. Oh, I get it, now you expect them to be perfect and able to read your mind just because you’re married and they love you. That is not how love works and when was the last time you read their mind and did what they are thinking just because you love them?

If you are guilty of not apologizing when you’re wrong, that is like keeping part of your love in a locked vault. How is your spouse supposed to get through all of the different lock combinations you’ve created over the course of your life? You’re married and now you don’t want to admit that you brought old baggage that you did not tell him/her about before you were married. You didn’t tell them that you were damaged goods parading as a whole person who is free within yourself and ready to love without limits.

You didn’t tell them that you have mommy or daddy issues. You didn’t tell them that you have trust issues because of previous relationships that almost broke you down to nothing. You forgot to mention that you have problems and thoughts or beliefs that you plan to put on them as weight and hold them hostage until they make all of your issues go away and match the fairy tale you have created in your head.

You started the relationship a fun and affectionate and generous person. Somewhere along the way you became judgmental, selfish, unforgiving, and mean while holding back on love, sex, money, cuddling, laughter, and just enjoying giving each other everything you have. When did you drag a vault into our relationship to use things like affection and joy to keep most of you away from me?

When we hold back on each other we are not doing what we promised we would do before God and other witnesses. We said we would love, honor, and cherish each other. None of those include withholding any good thing from each other. This is totally opposite of what love is and what love does. There should be no secret places that exclude one of us from the other. There should be we and only I when I is admitting a wrong. We must forgive quickly and apologize quickly.

Everything I am and have is yours and everything you are and have is mine. That’s love, giving, not withholding to leverage against your spouse. Everything about you should be open to serving and giving and sharing with me without limits in every area of our lives. Anything less is a vault used to keep us limited. Open up completely and get rid of the past hurts and pains so that you can love without limits and get rid of the vault that’s locking you and your spouse out of love. “Everything is about relationship, build them well.”

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© 2019 Harlon Bell.